8 months into this and I am very certain that I do not want to continue teaching after I finish the fellowship. I draw very little energy from my students - I find my joy in other things I get to do aside from teaching, like planning events and programmes. Thank goodness for the year-long initiative I get to carry out next year with my collabs - I would explode inside otherwise of having to go through another year without it.
I definitely know myself a lot better than I did 8 months ago. I have found my limit to feeling empathy, and it just about vanishes when I have 100+ students to see on a weekly basis. I struggle to put myself in their shoes because I cannot set aside my own prejudices - when I flinch inside when they are rude to me, when I want to kick their ass for pulling their idea of a practical joke which is not in the least funny, for making fun of serious issues because I think they should know better but really they don’t.
This is hard and it is meant to be that way - I remind myself of this every day when I go to school, and think of other teachers who are in the same uphill battle as me, day in and day out.